I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
