Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize