you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Your penis caused this!
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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