I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
