Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
