i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize