they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
