I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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