Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
