The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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