WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
sick fucks of a feather flock together
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
