my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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