why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
