My Higher Power is John Stamos
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
