the new term for farting is butt boxing.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
