Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
