Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
