I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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