I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
