I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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