I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
