kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I just had sex on a roof
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
