I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
