Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
