Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
