just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
