I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
