Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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