My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
