There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You ate ashes out of my bong
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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