1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I love you.
Bad choice
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
