I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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