tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
