I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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