He had one of those small greek statue penises
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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