I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
