VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
We just shotgunned beers for America
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
