My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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