my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
