I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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