she was so not down for the gang bang
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
