the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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