Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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