There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Randomize
