Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
