Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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