the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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