Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
