You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
