Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
