she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
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