She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Randomize
