I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
