why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
