one two three fourrrrnication!
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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