The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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